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my fave jokes

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Hey, these are my jokes, I hope you will enjoy them!

1) thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping (why wait?)
2) thou shall not do drugs (alcohol last longer)
3) thou shall not steel from k-mart (walt*mart has a bigger selection)
4) thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destruction has a bigger effect)
5) thou shall not steel from my parents ( everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) thou shall not get in fights ( just start them)
7) thou shall not skip class (just take the whole day off)
8) thou shall not strip in class (hooters pay more)
9) thou shall not think about sex (as nike says just do it)
10) thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (just leave them in the middle)
patient: what are the chances of my recovery doc? doc: 100%. medical records show that 9 out of 10 people die of the disease you have. your's is the 10th case i've treated. The other 9 died.

teacher: can anybody give me an example of COINCIDENCE?                                                      One student: ma'am, my mom and dad got married at the same time and day.

teacher: george washington not only chopped down his fathers cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. now do you know why his father didn't punish him?          

one student: because george still had the axe in his hand.

teacher: sam do you say a prayer before u eat?

sam: no ma'am, my mom is a good cook.

What is green ,red goes 70 miles an hour, and makes you want to throw up?   A frog in a blender

What is green, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you?       A pool table

Mattie: How did you get that big swelling on your nose?

John: I bent down to smell a Brose.

Mattie:There's no "b" in rose.

John: There was in this one

What do you call a dog with no legs?       You don't, it won't come anyway.

What do you do with a no-legged dog?    Take it for a drag.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?    Right where you left it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?   A stick.

Why do apes have such big nostrils?       They have very big fingers.

This is a letter a boy sent to his father from boarding school: 

Dear dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cannot think of anything I need,$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Your $on.

His father's reply:

Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNomics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, dad       

A high school professor was teaching his class about punctuation, when one day he asked his class to punctuate the following sentence:

Woman without her man is nothing

The male students in the class wrote:Woman without her man, is nothing.

The female students wrote: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.

girlfriend: and ar u sure u love and no one else?

boyfriend: pretty sure, checked the list yesterday

teacher: what do you call a person who keeps on talking ever if you're not interested anymore?

pupil: a teacher

teacher: sam you talk to much

sam: it's in my blood

teacher: what do you mean?

sam: my dad's a teacher

teacher: and your mom?

sam: she's a woman

Sharon: have u ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?

Tracy: I did once, he forgot to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

man: u remind me of the sea

woman: because i'm wild, romantic and exciting?

man: no, because you make me sick.

Three girls, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette; found a magic mirror. The mirror told them that if they told the truth, they would recieve a ferrari. If they lied, they would instantly dissapear. The redhead bravely stood up and said: I think i am the prettiest of the bunch. She walked away with a ferrari. The brunette stepped up and said: I think I am the smartest of the bunch. She walked awas with a ferrari. The blonde also walked up and said: I think... And instantly dissapeared.